I'm adopted.
This is the basic way my life started. At 5 months old I was taken away from my birth family and adopted at 2 yrs. old. Throughout my life I was told I'm adopted. As I reached my teen yrs. those words began to take on a whole new meaning to me. I wanted to meet my birth parents. As I began to talk to my birth parents, through email or messenger, I started to try to set up meetings with them. Only I wasn't allowed to met them in person. That's what kick started my depression. Every time I made a time to meet them my adopted parents cut in and canceled it. This made me sad and angry. Every time it happened I fell deeper into the pit of depression. Now, I can't get out. I'm stuck. So far, it seems like no one has noticed. My question is: When can I actually have my own life? Why am I this way?
I figure I'm this way because when I was a baby I didn't cry. No body came when I cried so what's the point? None. Sometimes I wonder if the reason I cry so much now is because I didn't cry when I was little. I'll never know. What I do know is I cry a lot now, and I hide every time. In my closet, outside, anywhere were no one can see me. I don't want people to see me cry. It makes me feel weak. I hate being weak. I can thank my birth family for that, but I can't hate them for being raised the way they were and I can't hate them for trying to raise me the same. They don't know how to raise me and I don't know about them but I wouldn't know what to do with me either. I'm a train wreak. Yup, that's me. I'm stuck and so far there isn't a way out. In my mind, that tells me: "Get comfortable. You'll be here a while." Well I've been stuck for a couple years. Guess that was right. No one has noticed so might as well get comfortable. It's not like they'll notice anything.
I did, they didn't. Why am I always realizing things before them? No idea but here we are. Me trying to help myself. I know it's not going to work. I know I don't belong here. I know I need to leave, but I can't. It not my choice. Apparently, it's theirs.
Next time,
Chip
